A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Cigarettes and TamponsA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she".A Hole in OneA man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened."Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.""That's when I made my big mistake.""What did you do?" asks the doctor."Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!""I don't remember much after that!"What She Says, What He HearsWhat a Woman Says:"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now you'll have no clothes to wear."What a Man Hears:blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
Women's English:
- Yes = No
- No = Yes
- Maybe = No
- We need = I want...
- I am sorry = You'll be sorry
- We need to talk = You're in trouble.
- Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
- Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
- I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English:
- I am hungry = I am hungry.
- I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
- I am tired = I am tired.
- Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
- I love you = Let's have sex now.
- I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
- May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
- I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
- By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
- Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
- The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud
- I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous
- "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman
- "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison
- "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran
- "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray
- Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous
- You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
- Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous
- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous
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