29 Nov 2005

THINK!!! Before you speak...

FIRST TESTIMONY
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Hearing myself, I turned right around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type that I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said loudly in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.". Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...? Here's a true story:

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too - they were laughing so hard!

Well now, y'all, didn't that feel good?

25 Nov 2005

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Still no good. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. That didn't help either.

So Farmer John called and asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff old him, "Sure thing." The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then."

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for the chicks.

23 Nov 2005

Magic...

There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a Cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.

One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.

Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe..."

Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down and drown it.

Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!

As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the parrot!

They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared. On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia.
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia,
Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia.
A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

18 Nov 2005

Renungan di Pagi Jumaat...

ASSALAMUALAIKUM

Petua untuk murah rezeki dan dijauhkan kesulitan
Abu Yazid Al Busthami, pelopor sufi, pada suatu hari pernah didatangi seorang lelaki yang wajahnya kusam dan keningnya selalu berkerut. Dengan murung lelaki itu mengadu, "Tuan Guru, sepanjang hidup saya, rasanya tak pernah lepas saya beribadah kepada Allah. Orang lain sudah lelap, saya masih bermunajat. Isteri saya belum bangun, saya sudah mengaji. Saya juga bukan pemalas yang enggan mencari rezeki. Tetapi mengapa saya selalu malang dan kehidupan saya penuh kesulitan?"

Sang Guru menjawab sederhana, "Perbaiki penampilanmu dan rubahlah roman mukamu. Kau tahu, Rasulullah SAW adalah penduduk dunia yang miskin namun wajahnya tak pernah keruh dan selalu ceria. Sebab menurut Rasulullah SAW, salah satu tanda penghuni neraka ialah muka masam yang membuat orang curiga kepadanya." Lelaki itu tertunduk. Ia pun berjanji akan memperbaiki penampilannya.

Mulai hari itu, wajahnya senantiasa berseri. Setiap kesedihan diterima dengan sabar, tanpa mengeluh. Alhamdullilah sesudah itu ia tak pernah datang lagi untuk berkeluh kesah. Keserasian selalu dijaga. Sikapnya ramah, wajahnya senantiasa mengulum senyum bersahabat. Roman mukanya berseri.

Tak heran jika Imam Hasan Al Basri berpendapat, awal keberhasilan suatu pekerjaan adalah roman muka yang ramah dan penuh senyum. Bahkan Rasulullah SAW menegaskan, senyum adalah sedekah paling murah tetapi paling besar pahalanya.

Demikian pula seorang suami atau seorang isteri. Alangkah celakanya rumah tangga jika suami isteri selalu berwajah tegang. Begitu juga celakanya persahabatan sekiranya di kalangan mereka saling tidak berteguran. Sebab tak ada persoalan yang diselesaikan dengan mudah melalui kekeruhan dan ketegangan. Dalam hati yang tenang, pikiran yang dingin dan wajah cerah, Insya Allah, apapun persoalannya nescaya dapat diatasi. Inilah yang dinamakan keluarga sakinah, yang didalamnya penuh dengan cinta dan kasih sayang.

Anda ingin beramal soleh...? Maklumkan kepada rakan-rakan muslim lainnya yang anda kenal.

17 Nov 2005

Special High Intensity Training...

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING G LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)


P.S. Now tell this S.H.I.T to the people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not to the same person who told you this S.H.I.T .

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

16 Nov 2005

Computing....

1. Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to
uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system
resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous
mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to
be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!


2. Upgrade Boyfriend 5 to Husband 1
Dear Tech Support

Help!! I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!!!

(Signed) Alice

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Alice

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. .

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/ Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely, Tech Support

15 Nov 2005

Another laugh a bit...

PARROT
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Roger came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Roger !"


p.s. Hee hee… where has Roger been…?

14 Nov 2005

Starting my day today...

3 Brazilian soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


Up...
It's no wonder people can't master the English language! There is a 2 letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other word, and that is "UP"

It's easy to understand UP meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP.

We lock UP the house, and fix things UP.

At other times UP has special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now. My time is UP, so
I'll shut UP!


THE IMAGES OF MOTHER:
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother, She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman, She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more.

Send this to Mum...


THE MECHANIC & THE HEART SURGEON
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. When I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks? You and I are doing basically the same work."

The surgeon smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing that with the engine running."

Got these from my e-mail... :-)

10 Nov 2005

I'm BACK!!!

Hi all!!! Selamat Hariraya Aidilfitri once again :) Hope everyone is happy after celebrating the hariraya. Next week might be a heavy traffic again because all of the KL city residents would be back on Sunday 13th November. For now I am going to settle a lot of things here and there...
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