Hi!!

Have a nice day!!!

Management...

In a department, remember where your place is...

Retired people, what they do to make their days interesting...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, the other day I went into town and went to a shop on the high street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I then called him a B*****d. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I don't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Analogue or Digital

I decided to nip this in the bud,
Before it comes to court m'lud,
Digital or analogue I ain't sure,
But this discussion is now a bore.

Who cares if its 14, 16 or 24 bit...
Digital encoding on modern kit,
All that matters is your pleasure,
Not the things we seem to measure.

Let me see now, who is old,
Over 50 and going bald,
Deaf in one ear like a lot of us,
Or maybe suffering from tinnitus.

What about over 40 and going grey,
When your audio bandwidth starts to stray,
Spiraling downwards towards 10 Kilo-Hertz,
Because your ears are blocked with all the wax-works.

Now lets try 30 where line scan rings,
Upsets your hearing on other things,
This whistle drives you totally mad,
And distorts all the quality from your Hi-Fi pad.

How about 20, with cash to spare,
You buy your GHETTO BLASTER without a care...
In the world, to whom you might upset,
With loud ~BOOM BOOM~ music? I would like to bet.

So I've now reached 10 and all kids bop,
To anything that plays modern pop,
Compressed to the limit to make them ~jive~,
They start doing it from the age of 5.

Who cares whether a recorded piano is correct or not,
All that matters is the pleasure you've got,
From listening on your wind up player,
With 10 Inch 78s, what a slayer.

Digital noise or analogue flutter,
To listen for these you must be a nutter,
Phase distortion far or near,
Why worry when you're deaf in one ear.

Beat note and IM products are a thing of the past,
So I'm told by the wide and the vast...
Majority of experts in this field,
When Amp's are ~linear~ and give lots of yield.

So many formats past and present,
To make your listening very pleasant,
CDs, DVDs, and Mini Discs are but a few,
LPs, 78s and Tapes ARE in ther too.

People still listen to their ~Glenn Miller~ sound,
On 78 records that sounded nice and round,
Also on their valve wireless sets,
Of 40s vintage or on their Dansettes.

During the 60s playing 45s,
Was more than enough to make our lives,
Happy and content with what we had,
An HMV radio-gram, when I was a lad.

No one cared about harmonic distortion,
All they wanted was the main portion...
Of the music that they could recognise,
Not the scratches in the background that create many ~lies~.

There is the matter of when you're pissed,
You certainly won't want to listen to Liszt,
Good or bad quality you don't care,
Any sound will make you go spare.

As I have never heard ANY digital jitter,
Is it on a re-mastered Gary Glitter,
Album so I can get some inclination,
Of what to STRAIN for in relation.

Accuracy is not the prime mover,
Just like vacuum cleaners are NOT a Hoover,
No one person's hearing's the same,
Most hear quite well, but some ~hear~ lame.

Frequncy bandwidths from 20 down to 8...
Kilo-Hertz from youth until late...
Age when your hearing becomes impaired,
And you know it can never be repaired.

Your stereo separation starts to wane,
And your stereo balance now becomes a pain,
No amuont of adjustment from your digital stack,
Will ever be able to bring that all back.

So even with the best gear that one can buy,
And accuracies of conversion that do not lie,
Measured with the best test equipment to allay our fears,
REMEMBER!, it is always down to the indivduals ears.


(C)2005, B.Walker, G0LCU.

Pandainye!!!

Anak siapalah ni ye...?

The American Tour...

Peanuts...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

"Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Bersenam...

Tak dapat dinafikan lagi bahawa bersenam itu adalah sangat penting untuk kesihatan. Sekarang ini senaman itu bukan lagi satu kemahuan kepada manusia tetapi ianya adalah satu keperluan. Dengan segala kemudahan yang menyekat banyak pergerakan-pergerakan manusia serta juga sistem pemakanan yang moden dan pantas, sistem tubuh manusia juga sudah tergugat. Bersenam tu bersenam juga TETAPI pastikan aktiviti senaman kita tidak mengganggu ketenteram awam! Bersenamlah dengan bijak! Antara senaman yang boleh menggangu ketenteraman awam:-

SENAMAN

Tale of the Tape

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzled old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

Renungan...

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said on Wednesday.

The first sting operation was conducted recently in a Dallas suburb where agents infiltrated 36 bars and arrested 30 people for public intoxication, said the commission’s Carolyn Beck.

“There are a lot of dangerous and stupid things people do when they’re intoxicated, other than get behind the wheel of a car,” Beck said. “People walk out into traffic and get run over, people jump off of balconies trying to reach a swimming pool and miss.”

Beatles Songs For IT People...

Yesterday
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.


Let it Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oo ohh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.


Imagine
Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine never-ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.

Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

Unusual Buildings On Earth

If you love to see the unusual buildings on earth please visit:-

UNUSUAL BUILDINGS

Joke from 'Ganu

There was one family of Terengganu people nak balik bercuti and they were stuffed into one Kancil. Seven of the family members all together. So the mum said,

Mum: Guane nih..penuh kete. Dok muak ayoh mu wey!

Dad: Betul jugok. Guane nok buak nih? Lamo dok sapa kampong.

Mum: Tujuh oghang dokleh sumbak masuk kete Kancil nih. kecik do'oh.

And then they were thinking and thinking of the solution to their problem and how to make some space in the car. Suddenly their youngest son shouted...

Son: Abah, umi... Awang tau doh guane nok buak. Kite skarang ade tujuh oghang. Tamboh la soghang lagi. baru jadik LAPANG...!!!!

P.S. Gura je weh! Jangang mu dok maroh ke aku ah...!

WELCOME My Renter...

This week I would like to welcome my new renter the Nonsensical Flounderings by Carolyn and Mik. Carolyn is American, Mik is English, living in Seattle USA. Just their inane mumblings, meanderings and observations on life, love and any other topic that takes our fancy. They has very interesting blog and worth a visit. Thanks Carolyn and Mik for being here this week... :)

Genies...!

Genie 1
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"







Genie 2
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Missing Athletes!!!

You've heard about the missing atheletes of course. Eleven of them now. All missing from their cozy little cabins in the new Commonwealth Games Athletics Village in Melbourne.

Does no one care?

Have these eleven fine young specimens of humankind been murdered while they slept and their bodies dragged away to unmarked graves? What's happening? A satanic cult? Are they victims of secret government matter-transformer/transmitter/transposer experiments?

People from Sierra Leone are particularly prone to alien abductions. Especially the athletes. Only four years ago 70% of the Sierra Leone team - 21 of the total 30 - vanished during the Manchester Commonwealth Games. And now, in Australia, almost half of the Sierra Leone games squad have gone! But where is the outrage?

Also missing are Tanzanian boxer Omari Idd Kimweri, and Bangladeshi 400m runner Mohammad Tawhidul Islam, both of whom vanished overnight from their beds on Monday last. Perhaps in the dark they were mistaken for Sierra Leone athletes.

One of the greatest love is the love for your country...

Penawar di kala kepenatan

Bagi mengatasi kepenatan melaksanakan tugas-tugas seharian sama ada di rumah mahupun di tempat kerja, bolehlah jadikan petua yang diajar oleh Rasulullah s.a.w. kepada puteri kesayangannya Saidatina Fatimah sebagai penawarnya.

Suatu hari Saidatina Fatimah mengadu kepada suaminya Saidina Ali bin Abu Talib tentang kesakitan pada tangannya kerana keletihan menggiling gandum untuk membuat roti. Saidina Ali berkata :

"Bapa kamu telah datang membawa balik tawanan perang. Berjumpalah dia dan mintalah seorang khadam untuk membantu mu."

Saidatina Fatimah pergi bertemu bapanya dan menyatakan hasrat untuk mendapatkan seorang khadam bagi membantu tugas hariannya di rumah. Bagaimanapun Rasulullah s.a.w. tidak mampu memenuhi permintaan anak kesayangannya itu. Lalu Baginda s.a.w. pergi menemui puterinya serta menantu itu. Baginda s.a.w. berkata:

"Apa kamu berdua mahu aku ajarkan perkara yang lebih baik daripada apa yang kamu minta daripadaku? Apabila kamu berdua berbaring untuk tidur, bertasbihlah (Subhanallah) 33 kali, bertahmid (Alhamdulillah)33 kali dan bertakbir (Allahuakbar) 33 kali. Ia adalah lebih baik untuk kamu berdua daripada seorang khadam."

Inilah penawar ringkas yang Nabi s.a.w. ajarkan kepada anak dan menantunya bagi meringankan keletihan dan kesusahan hidup mereka berdua. Saidina Ali terus mengulang-ulang kalimah-kalimah Rasulullah.s.a.w. ini. Katanya "Demi Allah aku tidak pernah meninggalkannya semenjak ia diajarkan kepadaku."

Sayugia dicadangkan kepada ibu-ibu, suami-suami atau sesiapa sahaja yang merasai kepenatan setelah melakukan tugas-tugas harian supaya mengamalkan membaca Subhanallah (33 kali), Alhamdulillah (33 kali) dan 'Allahuakbar' (33 kali) pada setiap malam isitu sebelum melelapkan mata.

Lakukanlah dengan penuh ikhlas dan istiqamah (berterusan), Insya- Allah petunjuk Nabawi ini mampu menyelesaikan bebanan-bebanan hidup seharian kita. Akan terserlah ceria di wajah pada keesokan hari dengan senyuman.

Curi handphone...

An e-mail I received:-

korang kena hati²....

Asslamualaikum wahai semua sahabat-sahabatku yang berada di mana saja. Cerita ni, berdasarkan pengalaman aku hilang handphone, dengan cara terhormat sekali. Pelik bunyinya kan? Cadangnya malas nak beritau, tapi kawan2 aku termasuk famili aku beria2 suruh aku beritau kat semua orang, kalau buleh satu Malaysia. Ni semua untuk kawan-kawan agar berhati-hati bila orang nak mengenali anda..

Al-kisahnya..pada hari Rabu (4 Jan 2006), aku baru balik keje dari Sepang ke Shah Alam. Tapi kawan sekerja aku memang hari-hari turunkan aku kat Kompleks PKNS. Dan dari situ, memang ayah aku akan ambil untuk pulang ke rumah. Ntah kenape hari tu, ayah aku lambat pulak datang ambil aku. Pastu aku pun keluarkanlah handphone Nokia 6600, sebab nak telefon ayah aku.

Tiba-tiba datang seorang perempuan yang tubuhnya gempal, berkulit hitam manis dan tidak bertudung duduk di sebelah aku dan menegur aku. Aku pun layan macam biasa. Dia tanya nama aku, tinggal kat mana dan macam-macam lagi. Aku pun tanya nama dia, katanya Diana, tinggal kat Seksyen yang aku duduk, kerja kat Kelana Jaya (Pejabat Peguam..Kononla tuuu).

Nak dijadikan cerita, dia tanya aku kenapa tak naik bas je pulang ke rumah? Kenapa nak tunggu ayah ambil? So, aku jawab..dah alang-alang ayah aku nak balik, dia ambil aku sekali. Aku pun tanya dia juge, kenapa tak balik naik bas? Dia kata, dia orang baru kat shah alam ni. Mak sedara dia yang selalu ambil dia..sebab takut kalau-kalau orang yang tak dipercayai perdaya dia. (Eeiiiii Geramnyaaaa)..

Dia kata kat aku, boleh tak esok, ajarkan dia naik bas. Sememangnya..kalau ayah aku tak dapat ambil, aku memang naik bas. Jadi, aku kata bolehlah ape salahnya. Niat aku ikhlas nak tolong. Tapi yang peliknya, dia berkali-kali kata..esok jgn suruh ayah aku datang ambil aku. Aku pun tak kisahlah.. Sebelum balik, sempat juga dia mintak no telefon aku (tapi dia tulis atas kertas..katanya handphone dia rosak) Aku pun mintak no telefon dia, tapi aku save terus dalam handphone.

Keesokkan harinya..Khamis (5 Jan 2006). Dia setia menunggu aku kat depan Kompleks PKNS Shah Alam, walaupun sejam menunggu aku. Dia pun menyambut aku dengan senyum (tapi membuat aku nak muntah bila teringat semula). Sebelum nak balik (naik bas), dia ajak aku minum kejap kat Mc'Donald (kat tingkat satu). Katanya kawannya nak join sekali nak kenal dengan aku. tapi kawan dia tak sampai lagi. Aku dan budak gempal ni pun makan la kat Mc'Donald (dia belanja). Dalam 20 minit berborak, dia minta izin kat aku untuk taipkan msg kat kawan dia yang tak sampai-sampai tu. Dia suruh aku taip "TOLONG CALL DIANA BALIK" .

Yelah handphone dia kan rosak... Dalam beberapa saat, kawan dia call hp aku. Dan semestinya aku beri hp aku kat dia tu. Dia pun beriya-iya la mengatakan kat kawan dia, yg dia ada kat Mc'Donald. Dia kata kawannya tak tau kitorang ni kat mana. Dia kasi hp kat aku balik. Baru aku nak simpan hp aku, kawan dia call balik. Aku pun kasi la balik hp aku kat dia. Ntah macam mana, sambil dia bercakap kat dalam hp..dia pun terus bangun macam tergesa-gesa nak turun ke bawah. Dia kata, kawannya ada kat sekeliling Kompleks dan tak tau kat mana Mc'Donald.

Jadi, sambil online, dia kata kat aku ' tunggu kejap yea, kawan saya dah sampai tapi tak tau kita kat mana sekarang. Saya nak amik dia kejap..Awak tolong tengokkan beg saya ya.' Dia pun berlalu sambil bercakap dengan kawan dia kat dalam hp. 5 minit lebih juga aku tunggu. Aku dah tak sedap hati, lantas aku buka beg dia. Lemah jantung aku..yang ada dalam beg tu cuma majalah wanita, remaja dan plastik besar yang dironyokkan (agar nampak beg tu besar)..

Aku pun bergegas turun..Memang budak gemuk tu dah hilang. Aku cuba tabahkan hati.. Aku pergi kat public, call boyfriend aku suruh dia call hp aku. Suara aku dah tersekat-sekat nak cerita. Macam nak nangis je, tapi aku kontrol sebab orang ramai. Aku call balik pakwe aku, dia kata memang dah tak dapat. Last-last aku dah takde mood nak naik bas.

Pakwe aku call mak aku, dan mintak ayah aku datang ambil aku.. (ayah aku juge yang datang amik.. sian dia..)

Itulah al-kisahnya cerita aku yang panjang lebar. Tak sangka selama 2 hari budak gemuk tu nak dapatkan hp aku. Tak terlintas difikiran hp aku yang jadi mangsa. Niat aku hanya nak tolong dia. Tapi ini balasannya..

Malam tu aku baca yassin sambil nangis2...memang la sedih hp hilang, tapi lagi jiwa aku sakit sebab niat aku nak tunjukkan jalan, tapi orang khianati aku. Ini semua iktibar untuk diri aku dan kawan2 semua.Berhati-hatilah..sekarang orang yang baik pun aku dah takut. Macam-macam orang sekarang..

Oklah geng..semoga cerita aku ni memberi peringatan kepada korang semua.sampai sekarang aku masih ingat wajah budak tu. Biarlah tuhan sahaja yg membalas perbuatannya, supaya dia tak buat orang lain lagi....uwaaaaaaaa!!!!



P.S. Thanks Ratna!!!

New brand of C?

SAD REMINDER...

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped
make you the person that you are today.

BETWEEN "SOMEONE U LOVE" & "SOMEONE U LIKE"

In front of the person u LOVE, your heart beats faster but in front of the person you LIKE, u get happy.

In front of the person u LOVE, winter seems like spring but in front of the person u LIKE, winter is just beautiful winter.

If u look into the eyes of the one u LOVE, u blush but if u look into the eyes u LIKE, u smile.

In front of the person u LOVE, u can?t say everything on your mind but in front of the person u LIKE, u can even say wats on his/her mind.

In front of the person u LOVE, u tend to get shy but in front of the person u LIKE, u can show your ownself.

U can't look straight into the eyes of the one u LOVE but u can always smile into the eyes of the one u LIKE.

When the one u LOVE is crying, u cry with them but when the one u LIKE is crying, u end up comforting.

The feeling of LOVE starts from the eye but the feeling of LIKE starts from the ear.

So if u stop liking a person u used to LIKE all u need to do is cover your ears but if u try to close your eyes LOVE turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever.

DON'T TOUCH!!!

More Networking...

Chickens...

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens." "Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

Excellent Quotes...

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper (who is Jilly Cooper?)

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

[16] Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

[18] I am opposed to millionaires .. but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
- WC. Fields

[23] We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
- Unknown

[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Networking...

Natures Natural Wonders...

Crazy with Confusion...

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

Diet...

A woman with a particular shade of hair is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat normally for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the women returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though; I honestly thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from bloody skipping".

Politically Correct Expressions

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

WELCOME My New Renter...

This week I would like to welcome my new renter the Rob in China by Mr. Rob. He has very interesting blog and worth a visit. I am sure you will visit his blog frequently because the contents in it. Give it a try. Thanks Mr. Rob for being here this week... :)

You might find something like this and more on his blog...:-
So, What Say You?

Earthquake...

How can you tell if an earthquake is on its way??? Sometimes we can always rely on the natural sign of earthquake... Click below:-

EARTHQUAKE SIGN

Googles' logo

You all know google frequently changes its logo when there is something special.. for example when the Olympics starts or World Cup starts… this photo, which I found while surfing on the net, is one of them I guess…

Don't be so greedy!

When the last Tree is cut,

the last River poisoned,

and the last Fish dead,

we will discover that we can't eat Money...

Math Puzzle

Key in the first three digits of your seven-digit phone number into the calculator. (Note: Do not key in the area code, but the three digits after.)

1. Multiply by 80.
2. Add 1.
3. Multiply by 250.
4. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone nmber again.
6. Subtract 250.
7. Divide by 2.

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Gotcha!

Hilangkan ngantuk...

BERCUMBU
Minah, yang telah lama tinggal di kota pulang ke kampung dan bertemu pujaan hatinya, Mamat yang berprofesi sebagai petani. Suatu senja, ketika tengah jalan2 dan menikmati pemandangan desa, mereka melihat 2 ekor kerbau saling menggesek-gesekkan hidung dan kerana lama memendam rindu, Mamat berkata dengan nada memancing, "Rasanya saya juga teringin nak melakukannya," sambil memandang Minah mesra.

"Silakanlah" balas Minah "kan kerbau-kerbau tu kan milik kamu..."

KES TAK BERTEGUR SAPA
Terjadi satu hari sepasang suami isteri ni berselisih faham... dan tak bertegur sapa.. Si suami ni nak bangun pagi pada esoknya.. tak tau macam mana nak bagitau isteri supaya kejutkan dia pagi esoknya..Si suami ni dapat idea..lalu dia tulis satu nota

"KEJUTKAN ABANG!! PUKUL 6.30 PAGI ESOK"

Esoknya si suami ni terlewat bangun... dia nak marah pun ada ... nak ketawa pun ada kat isterinya. Nak tahu kenapa?... si suami ni terjumpa lah nota

"BANG!! BANG!! BANGUN BANG! DAH PUKUL 6.30 PAGI"

The beauty of a woman

Your Fortune At Birth

From the Imperial Tung Shu comes this incredible poem of the four seasons ascribed to the legendary Yellow Emperor. From the poem can be obtained general indications of what life holds in store for a newborn baby. It is believed that depending on your season of birth, your life can be full of burdens or full of abundance. It all depends on which part of the Emperor's body you were born on. We present here brief predictive details of the four seasons poem for those wishing to investigate how, and at what stage of their life, they will enjoy the patronage and goodwill of the Emperor.

The incredible Chinese Tung Shu is filled with the most fascinating esoteric information relating to destiny analysis, as well as the meanings of signs, marks and symbols. One of the more tantalizing chapters relate to making a quick and general forecast of a person's life destiny, based on the seat assigned to us when we are born. This is based on the season of one's birth, as well as the time of birth i.e. the exact time when the baby is expelled or removed from the mother's womb.

Thus you first need to determine the season of birth - spring, summer, autumn or winter. The season of spring would be March, April and May; the season of summer would be June, July and August; the season of autumn would be September, October and November; while the season of winter would be December, January and February.

Next, you will need to determine your hour of birth based on the 12 earthly branches. This divides a 24-hour day into twelve time segments of two hours each, with each time segment representing one of the Chinese astrological animals. With these two pieces of information, you then need to look at the illustrations of the Yellow Emperor wearing the robes of the seasons - green robes for the spring, red robes for the summer, white robes for the fall and blue robes for the winter.

Look at the Emperor that corresponds with your season of birth, then locate on which part of the Emperor you were born based on your time of birth. Note from the time chart of the twelve time segments that each two-hour period has a special name. Locate the hour name on the Emperor's body and then check against the meaning given. For example, if your hour pillar is Mao in the season of summer, you look for the illustration of the Emperor in the summer season, locate where your hour name is located on his body and then read the meaning given under summer.

Use the table and diagram here to determine on which part of the Emperor you were born, then refer to the descriptions below to find your destiny.

Born in the Spring (March, April, May)

Cher
Born on the Emperor's Head
You will hold a high position in life. You have power and great intellectual capability. You are also blessed with wisdom. This person has authority, power and responsibility. Such a person must be well brought up and properly educated.

Tze & Wei
Born on the Emperor's Hands
Your attainments will be average and it is more beneficial if you work at starting your projects as the second-in-command and not as the leader. You can rise up high being the right-hand-man of someone powerful and wealthy.

Yu & Mao
Born on the Emperor's Shoulders
You will never be short of clothes on your back, which means you will always be able to make a good living. There will be no shortage of the basic necessities of life, including owning a home and property.

Wu
Born on the Emperor's Stomach
Your serious good fortune begins only in middle age when you will enjoy great good fortune in terms of the luxuries of life. There is plenty of food, clothing and all the material pleasures in this life.

Choh & Hai
Born on the Emperor's Girth
You will go through many changes in your life and as you get higher up the social ladder, you will transform a great deal. This transformation may be for good or bad and it is advisable that if you are in this situation, you should strive to change for the better and become more humble as you become more important in your work and life.

Shen & Shih
Born on the Emperor's Knee
You will have to travel a great deal in your life, so you can view this as good or bad depending on whether you enjoy travelling or not. Professionally, your life will be full of journeys. And like the wanderer, life is unsettled and transient.

Sen & Yiu
Born on the Emperor's Feet
This indicates that there will be two marriages in your life. This is especially true for women born into this position. For men, being born on the Emperor's feet suggests a restless nature that is not easy to please.

Born in the Summer (June, July, August)

Wu
Born on the Emperor's Head
This is an auspicious indication, since anyone born on the Emperor's head in the Summer will never have any worries. There are no obstacles and difficulties in this person's entire life. This also suggests a person who will have an excellent intellect, and who is good at strategic thinking and planning.

Tze & Choh
Born on the Emperor's Hands
This birth situation suggests that you will have more than sufficient money and business luck. Your good fortune improves with the years and you will attain great success during the later stages of your life.

Mao & Yu
Born on the Emperor's Shoulders
You are so lucky if you have this birth situation, since it brings you a lifetime of wealth and prosperity, lacking for nothing. You will amass a fortune during your lifetime, and in your old age, you will own plenty of properties. If you live an honourable life, you will be blessed with plenty of grandchildren and live to an old age.

Cher
Born on the Emperor's Stomach
This birth situation indicates there is plenty to eat and more than sufficient clothes to wear and to enjoy. There is good fortune luck from your late forties onwards. You will not have to worry about your old age for you will be well looked after.

Wei & Hai
Born on the Emperor's Girth
This birth situation suggests that you will have loving parents and be surrounded by noblemen and important people. What you make of your good fortune at birth will depend on your own efforts.

Shen & Shih
Born on the Emperor's Knees
It will be hard for you to be given the recognition for the work you do. There will be obstacles that can stand in your way and unless you can overcome this lack of recognition luck, by middle age, you will be exhausted.

Yiu & Sen
Born on the Emperor's Feet
This birth situation brings an easy life where everything comes easily, especially to those born male. Also, if you are of the male gender, it is likely you will have more than one wife. Women will find you irresistible. You will be blessed if you have a good attitude and a pure motivation.

Born in the Autumn (September, October, November)

Hai
Born on the Emperor's Head
This birth situation is especially beneficial for girls, as it indicates you will have a very comfortable and stable life with plenty of good fortune and prosperity luck. But both genders will benefit from the wonderful good fortune of being born on the emperor's head in autumn.

Tze & Choh
Born on the Emperor's Hands
This is an extremely auspicious situation of birth, as there is the promise of wealth coming from the four directions. Each time you travel, you will meet with a person of high standing who will help and assist you. You will benefit by going overseas to study or to work.

Cher & Wu
Born on the Emperor's Shoulders
This birth situation suggests that there is prosperity luck and you will become rich in your middle age. You will also have the help of your siblings, especially your brothers. You are blessed with many genuine friends.

Sen
Born on the Emperor's Stomach
This birth situation indicates that you will keep company with many clever people. They are people who excel in their career and their study and their presence in your life will inspire you to be ambitious. Happiness brings good fortune, so you must develop a happy disposition and be smiling at all times.

Mao & Wei
Born on the Emperor's Girth
You will enjoy an abundance of food and clothing during your middle age. Your sons and grandsons will bring you much happiness and contentment, so you have quite outstanding descendants luck. Those with this birth situation will benefit if they get married at a young age and start a family in their twenties.

Yiu & Yu
Born on the Emperor's Knee
You will need to work very hard during your early years and there may be some setbacks, but you are blessed with good fortune in later life. Those who have this birth situation should rejoice and never feel discouraged, as their success when they are older will more than make up for setbacks they may experience in their early years.

Shih & Shen
Born on the Emperor's Feet
Your whole life will be safe and peaceful and there is nothing to fear in terms of being hurt by others. If you are ambitious and have the determination to succeed, you can reach great heights professionally. Even if you do not reach the top, you will nevertheless be content with what you have. Therein lies the secret of your happiness.

Born in the Winter (December, January, February)

Tze
Born on the Emperor's Head
If you are born on the Emperor's head in winter, you will make a brilliant marriage. Your spouse will be a well respected person who comes from a highly regarded family background. You will have luxury in your life with enough food and clothes.

Hai & Wu
Born on the Emperor's Hands
You will have good family surroundings and there will always be occasions for rejoicing. You will be especially successful in your old age, when you have passed your 60th birthday

Yu & Mao
Born on the Emperor's Shoulders
You are blessed with exceptional descendants luck, so there are many sons and grandsons in your life. You will have some problems and setbacks during your growing-up and early career years, but you will enjoy good luck in later life. A great deal of your luck will be brought to you by your spouse and then by your sons and grandsons.

Cher
Born on the Emperor's Stomach
You are one person who is sure to enjoy singing, socializing and glamorous parties. And you have the luck to enjoy this lifestyle, as there is both prosperity and longevity in your life. It is however important for you to undertake some charitable work or donate to charity during your middle-aged years. This will bring you even more good fortune.

Yiu & Sen
Born on the Emperor's Girth
You will be blessed with exceptional good fortune in your old age when there is gold, asset accumulation and a thriving business in your family. You have the luck to grow old with someone you care for and love.

Choh & Wei
Born on the Emperor's Knees
You will have enough to eat and survive on, but little left over, and during your middle-aged years, there will be some truly trying times. It is incredibly vital for you to do charity and devote some time to caring for others. This will dissolve much of the negative chi that surrounds you.

Shen & Shih
Born on the Emperor's Feet
You should live away from your parents and grandparents, as it benefits you to have your own dwelling place. If you have your own home, you will enjoy good fortune. The further away you are from your ancestral home, the better it will be for you.