ABCDEFG then... WIFE

and then...

 

 Click for more fun pictures!

Jakarta Blasts...

Apple i-Rack

Nuclear Power?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk . I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl then replies... 'Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Sh*t?'

Men Vs Women

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'



(I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women)... ;)

How To Recruit The Right Person For The Right Job...

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts Department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing .

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations ..

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved...
Congratulate them and put them in top management.

Cool Meanings...

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

The Barbers...

A guy stuck his head into The Village Barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes, and said, "Your house!"

Laughter is the Best Medicine...

Spanish Lesson
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked,"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:-

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:-

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

The Old Arab
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.

I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.

I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here.

I love you,
Ahmed."

Job Offer...

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Chelsea and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No - that's the end of the queue."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...

Dildo - Fun Toi

Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau

Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau

I absolutely agree! - No Daut

Jesus Child - Ho Li Boi

Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh

Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun

Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi

Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau

Go for a ride for free - Hit Hai King

I think our friend is homo - He Gai

Your price is too high - Ai No Bai Dam Ting

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Hey, I think we have a serious problem here! - Sum Ting Wong

Having an early orgasm - Kum Tu Suun

Saying the same thing several times - Ri Pi Ting

Are You horny? - Yu Har Dik

You´re just so stupid - Fak Ju

I just get drunk so easy - On Li Tu

Oh, You´ve been smoking as well? - Ju Tu Hai

I´ve got something in my eye - Aut Mai Ai

You explained that before, but finally I understand - Ai See Nau

Listen baby, isn´t that a pretty and romantic sky tonight? - Mun So Brait.

Let´s get outta here and that fast as hell! - Fa Kin Run

Oh, just look at that Ferrari! - Big Boi Toi

I´m just so horny - Ma Dik Big

As I said before, Microsoft sucks! - Fa Kin Kom Pu Da

I told You that´s he´s extremely ticklish! - Jum Pin Hai

Hey buddy, I know it´s winter, but not THAT cold to pee
outdoor - Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee

Ok listen, this got to look like an accident - Hit Mai Ai

He’s cleaning his automobile - He Wa Shing Ka

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

It’s very dark in here - Wai So Dim

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching

Your body odor is so offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

I didn´t know that You knew the lyrics to The Macarena - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

Phew, this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me as soon as possible - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Fuk

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

Great - Fa Kin Su Pah

Ah... computers!

Fix It Again

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T


Software Development Cycle
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.


Programmer
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.


A Missing Programmer
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat

How To Be An Aussie...

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you.

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit...! "

Global Warming Update

Eskimos Spot First Palm Tree
In an especially inarguable event that global warming is proceeding apace, a group of Eskimos noticed – while hunting for caribou on the sort of unusually balmy day that they’ve been experiencing with ever-growing frequency – a tree they were not familiar with, growing high above the tundra.

Priding themselves on knowing the flora and fauna of their land, they puzzled over the strange growth.

“Look,” one said, “a tree I never saw before.”

“No branches,” another one puzzled.

“Even a bear couldn’t climb it,” a third one noted.

Then one of them pointed to the groups of large roundish green objects in the high and odd-looking leaves, known in warmer climes as palm fronds. “Look,” he speculated, “big fruit, maybe.”

Just then one of the ovoid objects happened to break loose and fall toward them.

Unfortunately, for the fellow who had just identified it as fruit, the object hit him on the head and, being rather heavy and hard, it knocked him out.

When he awoke, he felt the lump on his head, and concluded, “Not very ripe.”

Respecting the environment, as all Eskimos are famously known to do, except when poaching, they decided not to chop the tree down to take it back via dogsled for identification but to settle for returning with the unidentified object that had hit their unsuspecting fellow villager on the noggin.

When they got back to their village, they went straight to the village elder, who was revered for many reasons, one of them being that he was the only resident of the village who, one year when the salmon catch had been especially bountiful, had managed to wangle a trip to Florida.

When he saw the strange object, his brows fretted and he looked up, saying, “I thought you went caribou hunting?”

“We did,” one of the hunters replied.

“I did not know that there are caribou in Florida,” he said, questioningly.

“Florida?” another hunter asked, now even more mystified.

“Yes, because as far as I know, this thing only grows in Florida. As you know, once, in my younger days, I went there for a mid-winter break.”

“Then you know what it is?” the fellow who had been hit on the head with it asked.

“Yes, he replied. “It’s called a coconut.”

“Coconut?” they variously puzzled, passing it around for another look.

“Yes,” the elder confirmed. “Where did you find it?”

“In a tree we never saw before.”

“And where did you see this tree?” the wizened man questioned.

“In caribou country,” one of the hunters affirmed.

“I swear,” another added.

“Then,” he told them, “thanks to global warming, our way of life is about to change. You have found a palm tree in Alaska.”

“Palm tree?” they wondered.

“Yes,” he said, and whacked the coconut with a large knife.

He savored a sip of the nectar within and, passing the coconut around so the hunters might experience the milky delectation, he concluded, "And so, if I live long enough, maybe I will get to enjoy the climate of Florida without having to make another trip there.”

AS AN EMPLOYEE...

* the biggest motivation is salary

* the unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment

* the most "shiok" thing is you don't work anyhow also get pay increment

* the greatest talent is "carry big stuff"

* the greatest mistake is to argue with your boss

* the most demoralising thing is to receive salary late

* the most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away

* the happiest thing is you become your boss' boss

* the cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know

* the stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy

* the most common thing is - the boss says something but means another

* the proudest thing is you sack your boss

* the most "rugi" thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit

* the most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake

* the biggest satisfaction - updating blog or sending e-mail during office hours!! heheheheheheheh.... Ngeh ngeh ngeh...

BAHAYA Masturbasi Bagi Wanita...

Lelaki pun boleh baca gak…boleh sampaikan kat bini atau aweks…hahaha. Khas buat kaum wanita aje, terutama yang suka masturbasi... (bebudak tolong main jejauh!!!)

Ada seorang wanita datang ke klinik, umur 35 tahun, penampilan masih ok lah, dia mengeluh kencing kadang-kadang ada rasa sakit. Biasalah doktor pun melakukan pemeriksaan rutin termasuk menyuruh wanita itu periksa urinenya. Besok paginya si wanita itu kencing dan dimasukan ke botol lalu menyuruh pembantunya untuk bawa botol itu ke klinik, pada waktu itu hujan lebat dan pembantu si wanita itu tiba-tiba tergelicik, sehingga menyebabkan botol yang dibawanya pecah.

Dia bingung nak minta majikannya kencing lagi takut, pasti kena hamuk, lalu dia berpikir, lebih baik aku ganti air kencingku aja daripada kena hamuk. Si pembantu itu pun cari botol dan kencing lalu dikirim ke klinik dan dia pulang sambil membawa resit tanda terima lalu diserahkan kpd majikannya.

Keesokan harinya wanita itu datang ke klinik lagi, dan doktor itu terkejut melihat hasil urinenya, lalu bertanya kpd wanita itu:

Doktor : Puan mempunyai suami?
Wanita : Tidak, udah lama jadi janda, suami saya meninggal.
Doktor: : Maaf, apakah puan punya boyfriend atau lelaki yang suka menemani puan.
Wanita: Tidak, saya dirumah saja, kadang2 ikut kegiatan sosial sikit- sikit.
Doktor jadi tambah bingung, tapi sebagai doktor mesti berwibawa dimuka pesakit, akhirnya doktor itu berkata:
Doktor : Puannnnnn, dengan nada sehalus mungkin, dari hasil pemeriksaan air kencing yang saya jalankan saya mengucapkan tahniah kepada puan,kerana ternyata puan saat ini sedang mengandung, jadi mungkin rasa sakit kalau kencing itu diakibatkan kerana kehamilan puan dan untuk itu saya beri surat supaya puan dirujuk oleh doktor ibu mengandung untuk merawat kandungan puan.

Muka si wanita itu tiba-tiba pucat, akhirnya dengan langkah longlai dia berjalan pulang. Sesampainya dirumah wanita itu lari kedapur dan membuka almari lalu mengambil TERONG UNGU YANG BESAR DAN PANJANG yang disimpannya, lalu dia membanting-banting terung itu ke meja sampai hancur sambil berkata:

SIAL KAU TERONG...! SIAL KAU TERONG...! PASAL DEK KAULAH AKU MENGANDUNG, MACAMANA ANAK AKU NANTI RUPANYA, JANGAN-JANGAN NANTI MUKANYA UNGU, SIAL KAU! AKU TAK MAU PAKAI KAU LAGI!!!KWANG, KWANG, KWANG....

Lumba Haram...

Interesting menu...

Ah!!! Women!!! GRRRRR....

They want men to read this like Lillian Too... A TV host for feng shui program... #$%$#@

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like... Laxatives....... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like... Bananas.......... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather......... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like... Blenders......... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like.... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like........ Government Bonds..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like...... Mascara..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like...... Popcorn.... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like.... Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps.... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like...... Parking Spots..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now DON'T BOTHER to send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!

Kids Again....!

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.

"Unlawful is when u do something the law doesn't allow and illegal is a sick eagle."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."